1.26am

i did it again.

i’m sorry.

it’s hard to stop.

that blurry future..

something’s bothering me today….but i just can’t figure out what..felt like i wanted to bite everybody’s head off >.< just what is wrong with meeeeee..

was in the middle of cooking class last night when alwyn called me, 3 times in fact..till i managed to sms him..seemed pretty urgent but i wasn’t able to pick up his calls. apparently, exam results were out…and praise the Lord, i didn’t fail anything!! even Heat and Mass, which i only completed 1 qns out of 4 required..phewwww..thought i would do better for 1010, but i guess everyone kinda got scaled down. overall results were better than i expected though!…especially for geng, another weird module which i didnt even know what i was doing. think the weird senseless (well it didnt made sense to me, i just iterated the workings again n again) long workings saved my life..this sem was much more stressful than last sem, but since i thought i would barely pass 3 and fail 1, ending up with 3 Cr and 1 P is something i cant complain about.. =D zzz next sem, i’ll be aiming for 4 Ds!!! *AHEM..yeah right*

its been very stressful ever since im back..she seems to get angry at every little thing, and i DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP HER, I DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO, AND IT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY!!!!!  URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know i should be understanding, but it really does get on my nerves!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU STOP COMPLAINING AND QUARRELING AND HAVING THAT BLACK FACE PLASTERED ON ALL THE TIME? DAMNIT!!!!! if you’re that angry about everything, why don’t you just leave?!?!?! why torture yourself by staying when everything just seems to irk you?? im trying my best to understand BUT IM TIRED OF IT ALL OK!!!!! im more than willing to listen to you, but when you drag me in and expect me to take sides, I JUST HATE IT OK!!!! IM TELLING YOU IM VERY VERY TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!  if you didnt have a choice, ill understand and ill support you, but if there’s a choice for you, and yet you want to be stubborn and stay on and yet make urself unhappy, BE MY GUEST im nt goin to entertain you…GET THAT INTO THAT MIND OF YOURS….take it as im beggin you, stop piling all this pressure on me, im not strong enough to withstand it all..pleaseeeeeee…

went over to _____’s place last sunday…and it was definitely awkward alright..said hi to the woman..and that was it..he was on the fone and he gestured for her to move over so i could sit down, but i think she misinterpreted it as asking her to excuse us for a moment, and she walked out of the room =S..i saw the pictures..n he saw me looking at the pictures…but he didn’t say anything still…think it’s better that way..wudn’t have known what to say to him anyway..prolly wud have just went, ‘ oh, okieee.’ ..no one was communicating much with her, prolly cause of language differences, and to say the truth, i kinda felt sorry for her =/..wanted to talk to her, but no…..im too shy… =x

when i first heard the news, i was alternating between sadness and happiness, crying yet smiling at the same time. it seemed like it’s been such a long and tumbling rollercoaster ride, i felt relieved that a huge worry has been taken off my shoulders, that finally someone is there to take care of him, i just pray that he has learnt from his past mistakes. On the other hand, i felt sad that my 7 years of hope has come to an end. ive always wished they would get back together, even though i knew that was not even remotely possible..and oh wells, no more psychoing myself with, or hanging on to false hopes. as we carry on with our own lives, and even though the hurt still remains after so many years, from the bottom of my heart, i still wish all 4 of them the best…

in the blurriness of the future, i’m seriously lost in the fog. i don’t know what to do, i don’t know what to feel, i dont know what the future has in store for me. i dont know if anymore will walk out of my life, and i admit ive been holding a few close ones at arm’s length, terrified that i will overburden them with my troubles, and also to protect myself. i’m of no use to anyone when i don’t even believe in myself. if you feel that i’m distancing myself right now, pls give me some room and time to re-find myself. there’s no guarantees i wudnt fall into the abysses of darkness time and time again, but it doesn’t mean im not trying not to.

for now, i just want to be left alone in the memories of the past, and to be able to find peace within myself…

im leaving it all to You, for i know you’ll carry me in your everlasting arms, through it all.

i’ll be alright >.<

hold my heart…tenth avenue north

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I’m on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.
Cuz I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I’m on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can’t sleep but I’ll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

hello!!..

it’s good to be back in singapore at last!

but….the weather’s really bleahhh…it’s still spring now, but summer’s coming and it’s heating up soon in aust..where temperatures can hit 40 degrees..so i think i shall not complain. and ytd! i heard on sonshine that it was 35 degrees at midnoon, awesomeness! but today it dropped back to 20 degrees =(…im jealous la!!!!!…oh wells…

3 months of holidays!! 3 mths and a wk..if you want to consider the week after exams..its time to meet up with people! but everyone’s either working or having exams..awwww..im bored im bored im bored……..

but!! its cruise next week..yippee yeah yeah! its the first time we wont be going on Star Cruise, so hopefully Royal Caribbean will be as good, or even better!! it better be better…zzz

it’s weird how back in aust we were talking about missing all the food in singapore, kway chup, cha kuay tiow, carrot cake and whatnots and wanting to eat them all. but when you reach back here, you dont feel like eating anymore. lol its the heat la its the heat =(

okie im bored…going to find something to do le..tada!

have you ever…

have you ever felt very crappy on some days? today’s one of those days…

my mind just kinda jumped to you, and i realised we’ve only contacted each other 2 times this year. i know i should be the one calling you. but something just makes me hold back. what will i say to you? what should i say to you? maybe ill tell you about my exams, but you didnt even ask when they were in the first place. and after that, what will we talk about?

i knew this day would come somehow, just didnt know when. i think ive got my answer now. its kinda inevitable that we would drift apart huh, you lead your life, i lead mine. but have you ever wondered how it would be like if all these stuff didnt happen? even if you dont, i do! i want to wake up to songs blasting from the stereo, i want to eat your prawn-is-prawn, egg-is-egg omelette, i want to argue with you, i want to……..all i can say now is i want to!!!!

i dont want to be angry with you, its been  too long for that now. but somtimes i just cant help but feel robbed. robbed of a childhood i wanted to have. because of you, i had to grow up, way before i was meant to, way before i wanted to.

sometimes, i just wish i was too young to understand. maybe that would have been easier.

zzzzzzzzzz

trouble on the way..

oh gosh..there are some things in this world that i seriously would rather not have known. i just hope i can continue doing everything right, and not let others be disappointed or angry with me.

and…..my cough is still here..i think it’s never leaving zzz..but still….my coughs have always taken a long time to go away, so this might be another of those times.

let me recover!!

painnnn…

i can usually bear pain very well..but this time, it is actively killing me. it’s like the mother of all pains possible -.-

was sleeping last night when i decided to turn in my bed, and in the act of doing that, i felt this acute sharp pain on the left side of my neck. initially i thought it was one of those…like…leg cramps you get in the middle of the night and it would go away, but i think i pulled a muscle instead. zzz now my head is restricted to right movements only. any attempt to turn or lean to the left, bend forwards or backwards ends with a sharp pain. i’m so irritated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and its only now with this pain that i realised a lot of stuffs that you do involves your neck muscles. stuffs like getting out of bed, kneeling down, bending forwards to get stuff off the ground, lifting your hands to bring a bottle of water to your mouth, running your hand through your hair, and even moving your eyes!!…. weird huh..it actually says on one web that doing eye exercises in a 2,4,8,10 oclock position will help to stretch some of the neck muscles…interesting stuff..

HOHO…and i had the worst shower time tdy…cant even take off my shirt properly…so in d end had to brace d pain and quickly pulled it off…NOT FUN AT ALL…

please let it be better tomorrow..zzzz

what?

the dark days in my life are back. i can’t seem to find the strength or will to do anything that interests me. i don’t think it’s just SOMEthing that’s bothering me, it’s more like the combination of everything thats going on.

after years of being left alone on my own, it feels kinda weird having so many people around. i guess im too used to the quiet, that the noise  just becomes unsettling somehow. don’t get me wrong, it’s not their fault, and to say the truth, its been fun, very fun indeed. somedays im not in the mood to entertain, but yet, with so many people around, its kinda hard to withdraw into my own world. thats why i cherish moments where i can just plug in my earphones and disappear into the music, or just plug them in with no music on, just to block out the outside world. if this particular YOU are reading this somehow, thats also why i like long bus rides even if it takes more time for me to reach my destination. im NOT wasting time, im actually cherishing it，my way =)

many people, when i tell them im the quiet type, they will say, no, you’re always talking, and very noisy what (in a good way i hope). but i guess thats not the true me. the reason why im always talking, always trying to make people laugh (intentionally or unintentionally), always being noisy, is because i cant take the awkward silences when no one says anything. whether im with a group of friends, or just with another person, it makes no difference, i just dont like it. i like being the center of attention (AHEM im sorry, im just a leo), but im more than glad when somebody else comes along to entertain the others, cause in actual fact, i feel its very tiring to keep talking, to keep the conversation going, to keep people entertained, unless im in a good mood or im talking to someone i want to talk to. Quiet is what i am, seriously. if i had a choice, if i didnt mind the awkward silences, then you people will probably only hear my voice once every blue moon. now, ask my friends, even my close friends, and my MUM too, whether i call them just to have a chat. the answer is not only probably, but definitely no. see, told you i dont like to talk. lol

spent half the time talking about the way i am, instead of talking about what i wanted to talk about initially. tsk. here we go..

haizzzzz…..my maid is going back home soon, and she’s never coming back again. talking about people leaving, and even more people leaving. the last maid we had, when she left, i didnt care much, cause she’s already been working for them for some time before me n my mum moved in with them, and of cause, the old woman liked her cause the maid was close with her. but the current maid, she came not long after we moved in, and it was my mum who trained her, so the old woman is not happy that she’s closer to my mum, and is always trying to create trouble for her (read my previous’ post). maybe this is why i can connect with her more, when i understand what she goes through everyday at home. i was better off than her cause i can avoid the old woman by hiding in my room the whole day, which is what i did practically the last 4 years. but she, she has to face the old woman all day long and tolerate her nonsenses, and trust me, its not easy. you wouldnt know unless you stay in the same house.

right now, i’m sorta happy for her, that she can go home and get happily married, but im also very sad cause i’ll never see her again. she had an idea that i was going somewhere, but we didnt officially tell her cause she was supposed to go with the old woman to stay at her daughter’s place a few days before i left, and if they asked her where im going, she wouldnt be lying when she said she didnt know. they only found out almost a month after i left. before i left in feb, my mum said she was probably going to extend her contract for at least another 2 years so i would still see her when i go back end of this year. the thing is, she didnt, and what hurts the most is i never got to say a proper thank you, nor a proper goodbye face to face.

okie, this is killing me, cant type anymore. will continue another day.

fate?

are there people in your life you wished you’ve never met?

i have. there’s a few people i wish i hadn’t known, seriously. but at the same time, when you think of all the good times and fun you had, you gradually realise those times were the best of all, and you would never trade them for anything else.

its when you meet people, and you create a bond, that makes it so hard to let go when its time to leave. its kinda like bittersweet, just more bitter than sweet.

ive always wondered, is it better to break off all ties early with the other person and get used to it, or better to cherish the time left and have the best time ever. if it’s up to me, i would choose the former, but my heart would scream for the latter.

the chapters of the stories in this book we created are almost nearing an end, no, you dont know how i feel.

just like how i would never know how you feel, cause you would never tell me.

right now, i just wonder if this is true:

“Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends.” – Richard Bach

i never knew i would go through all this yet again, much less the pain that comes with it. i thought i had detached myself well enough, apparently not.

zzz….

old woman, i just don’t know whats wrong with you. are you really that angry with the world? your actions greatly puzzles me. she has always been serving you, but yet, you treat her like shit. just what has she done wrong? its amazing how she can stand you for so long, cause we know we definitely can’t. not when you don’t even show people the basic-est of respect. you’re so fake it’s just downright embarrassing. i just feel sad for you when i think of how even your own flesh and blood can’t take your nonsense. don’t need to act innocent now, we know that your daughter and grandchildren all shout at you. do you try to reflect on that? no you dont, cause in your own world, you are the only one who’s right. yes, by right we should all respect you cause you’re the eldest, but woman, you dont get that respect you crave cause you dont deserve it.

to think i used to be sorry for you from time to time. i dont now, not after what you did today. JUST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? URGH….you get on my nerves you really do. she was just reminding you to take your medicine, and if you dont want to take it, then thats your own freaking problem. why do you have to splash the medicine at her, you you you……..!@#$%? and you even have the cheek to complain to him that she scolded you, and now that he’s scolded her, you’re happy arent you? WHY…OH GOSH…WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i sympathize with her for having to put up with you day by day, throughout the years. and it really makes me sad when i hear of the way you treat her. its her last few weeks here, cant you treat her better, just for that short period of time? and if it werent for you, she would have stayed longer than this. can’t you see its all you? cant you see all the troubles you have caused?

do you know my mum wakes up at 7 every morning just to get out of the house early so she doesnt have to see you? do you know that we always stay out till 10 or 11 plus at night for the same reason? and you complain to people that we dont stay at home. have you ever wondered why? who in the world, wouldnt want to return to the comfort of a home? you think we want to stay out that late? you think we’re not tired? its breaks my heart to see my mum suffer cause of you. how many times have i seen her puffy eyes in the morning, how many times have i seen her leave the house, not even accepting my calls or replying my smses? if only i had known this would happen, if only i had seen your true colours, then i would not have said yes when he asked. that is seriously my biggest regret.

i feel so useless..not even able to protect the ones i love, from getting hurt again and again.

URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!