Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And it’s like you haven’t been gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding
you and me
And with all my heart I’m sure we’re closer than we ever were
I don’t have to hear or see, I’ve got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe
That when you die your life goes on
It doesn’t end here when you’re gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends and if I’m right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, I believe
Forever, you’re a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
And I’ll hold you even longer if I can
The people who don’t see the most
Say that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
‘Cause I believe
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe
Daddy, 今天，你离开我们已经一个礼拜了。。
感觉好不真，好像去阿嬷家还能看到你。。
感觉你只是去一个地方旅游。。
可能就是你生前我没一直陪你吧。。
Daddy, 请原谅你女儿这么无情。。
女儿不孝。。
希望你在天堂过得很开心。。
爱你 ❤
My dad has colon cancer with metastases to liver and bone, diagnosed at Stage 4 in late April 2012.
It started off as a backache which wouldn’t stop even with massages and medicine, he was admitted to hospital to do a scan, and they discovered that the bone was cracked. Which was puzzling because he said he didn’t have a knock and didn’t fall. I turned to my trusted friend the internet to find what could it be. And I didn’t like what I found, not a little bit.
Most of the signs point to cancer, though it couldn’t be determined from what origin. Well, they were still doing tests and I didn’t want to scare myself or others and so I kept it quiet. I didn’t hear him complaining of having any problems till the backache so I was kinda hoping it was something else besides that.
I couldn’t say I wasn’t forewarned when the test results came back, but the seriousness of it was quite a shock. It was Stage 4 Colon Cancer which had already metastasized to his bone and liver, it was everywhere actually.
Stage 4…. who would have thought. It sounded shocking, and I should have been in shock, but I wasn’t. The next few days went by like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, maybe the news just hadn’t gone to my brain yet. Either that or I was blocking out reality like I always do. I had my aunties to thank for arranging everything after that, and he was scheduled to undergo chemo. Being in a public hospital meant that he had to queue to get the help that he needed. Couldn’t remember what it was the consultation or the chemo itself, that we had to wait a few months per treatment.
Here was a dying man with Stage 4 cancer, and he had to wait a few months to get help. Few months. Isn’t it such a joke that something like this is happening in Singapore where medical care is supposed to be world class? I understand that there are many others who would need that care and thus we had to wait, but few months? Incomprehensible. In the end, it was decided that we would switch to private care, and was recommended to see Dr Ang Peng Tiam, the Director from Parkway Cancer Centre (PCC) at Mount Elizabeth. I didn’t know it at the time, but after some research, it turns out he is quite a famous doctor well known in the oncology circle. Even our Prime Minister was treated by him years ago.
Under private care, everything went fast and he was admitted and underwent chemo the next day. The day he was admitted was the day it finally dawned on me, my father is seriously sick, and I could lose him anytime. The realisation was hard to take, and seeing him on the hospital bed made it so so real, far too real. He was in much pain from the backache at this point, and it was heartbreaking to see him in pain, but there was nothing much we could do except put his life in Dr Ang’s arms and care. Spent a few overnights in hospital with him, and it was no fun as there wasn’t even a makeshift bed we could rest in. But my, our suffering was nothing as compared to what he was going through.
The days following that were hectic making arrangements for him, and to say it was tiring is an understatement. We were all worried, and scared and hopeful that somehow he will be cured despite the bleak prognosis. It was not all plain sailing along the way. The very first session of chemo he had, he vomited black stuff all over the room right after they started it.
Next came his paralysis. Yes, paralysis. He was ok before he got admitted. It was just after the vomit episode that he couldn’t feel anything in his legs the next day. There was real panic at this time. No feeling in the legs wasn’t a good sign and it must have been terrifying for him, but never once did I hear him complain. They sent him for a scan immediately and found out that the cancer cells had indeed spread to the backbone, into the nerves and chewed them out so that’s why he couldn’t move his legs. He underwent radiotherapy straight after the scan, as the doctor put it, “So we can kill the cancer cells and hopefully catch the spread in time so there might be a chance he can still walk.” After a few rounds of radiotherapy and chemo, we got the diagnosis from the doctor.
“We were not able to kill the cancer cells in the back in time, sorry to say that the only chance your dad will ever walk again would be if there was somehow a miracle.”
Hearing that being said, it felt like the wind was knocked out of me. My dad would never be able to walk again. He would be confined to a bed and wheelchair. What worried me most at the time was not how troublesome it would be to look after him, but how he felt after hearing that. Having cancer was a blow, but at least there was a chance of curing it. Being paralysed on top of having cancer, how is someone supposed to feel? Despair? Hopelessness?
The horror story just doesn’t end there. I can’t remember the chronology of events anymore, but it wasn’t long after his cancer diagnosis and paralysis that something even more horrible happened. There was a lump on his right arm that slowly grew through the days and it was kinda the size of half an apple? He was having a change of clothes in the hospital one night, and all of a sudden we heard this loud ‘POP’ sound from nowhere just as he was raising his arms to get the sleeve in. Shocked us quite a bit, but after looking around, feeling his arm and finding nothing of the ordinary (except the lump), we just thought he or someone beside him had hit the tissue box with the elbow or something thus making that hollow loud sound and did not think much of it anymore.
I remember that night was my night again to stay overnight with him. He wasn’t comfortable that night, or any night for that matter (the cancer was giving him pain) but nothing much we could do except give him some pain medicine, or even morphine at some point. The next morning, he complained of having discomfort and aching in his right arm (from when/where we heard the pop sound) and couldn’t lift it up as it was hurting him. The pain from a fracture should have been unbearable but to think he felt nothing when it happened. Just shows how much pain meds he was on for his cancer then, to not feel a thing till the next morning. At this point, my brain was in overdrive thinking what it could be, it was getting worrying and after telling Dr Ang about the previous night’s event, he sent him for an x-ray.
After the x-ray, he was sent up back to his ward. Me and my aunty then went to see the x-ray doctor to see what was the source of the pain in his arm. My aunty sat down while I stayed standing up, was actually too nervous to sit. He started out telling us that the lump on his arm was actually a cancer tumor lump. I wasn’t shocked to hear that, it was actually quite very little guesses as to what it could have been but the thing is, that is not a good thing to hear. It actually meant that the cancer was spreading, and fast. From the colon, it had already spread to his bone, backbone, liver, and now all the way up to his arm?
I haven’t said anything about the liver, but yeah, his liver was also affected and on the CT and PET scans, the whole liver was shown to be shining bright. What did it mean? It meant that his whole liver (more than 90%) was already occupied by cancer cells. Liver….we only had one of that, and if it was to fail, no guesses as to what would happen? According to Dr Ang, the more urgent/pressing issue at the moment was to stop the continuing spread of the cells around the body and the liver was to take second place to that. We didn’t argue, he was the expert and we were going to let him do his stuff and what he said made sense anyway. At his present state, they could only give him a general chemo med as he was too weak to endure both a general and liver-targeted treatment and there was no med that could do both at the same time.
Back to the issue of the arm.. As I was mentioning, the Dr told us it was a tumor lump and then he continued saying that he had discussed it with Dr Ang and they had came to the same conclusion. The spread of the cells to the arm was a very very bad situation and then came the sucker punch.
“Based on his current condition, he will probably only have about a year left.”
Damn, never ever saw that coming. Up to that point, even though we were worried and scared, we still have had some news that the chemo was helping a little for his recovery. Now, having heard his primary Dr say that he had a year left to live, it completely broke me in places unimaginable. Unsurprisingly, my aunty was crying at this time and I was still standing there trying damn hard not to let the tears roll. The heart pain though, was unbearable. I walked out of the room to get some air, but eventually I couldn’t stop the tears too. My father was dying, is dying and there was not much time left. Oh gosh, how could this have happened? How did so many things happen in such a short time, and so suddenly?
I spent the next few days and nights crying, sometimes for no reason at all. I so wanted to just drop dead, my heart was hurting so bad. I had some decisions to make at that point, and I was thinking of quitting my job to look after him, to just spend time with him. Talking to my aunty, she advised me not to do that, as they could look after him instead, or hire a maid so we could still continue on our everyday lives. I talked to my mum about it and she also advised me not to. Nonetheless, I still had to let my company know about the situation and hoped they would understand if I had to take some time off work (I had just started working at UOC just 1 month prior to his diagnosis). I would have understood if they decided I was too much of a burden and wanted to let me go, since I was going to ask to take maybe a few weeks to months off if it was indeed true that my dad only had months to a year to live.
To my surprise, Alex was very understanding and said he understood my situation and we would see how things lead. I had Camy with me when I talked to Alex as my emotions were too raw to be able to say anything regarding my dad’s condition and she did most of the talking on my behalf. I was debating whether to let Shawn know (since he was quite intimidating and scary and I didn’t know him that well or was as close to him), but in the end decided that since I was also working under him for MWF, I had to let him know somehow.
A few hours after telling Alex and controlling my emotions, I walked up to Shawn’s room and timidly said to him, “Shawn, 我有东西要跟你讲。” He looked at me waiting for me to talk, but there was people in the room and I didn’t want to say anything to anyone else at the moment. So i asked if we could talk somewhere else. The pantry was occupied and so we ended up in Ety’s room. Lucky he had the sense to walk to Ety’s table while I stood near the door (make it easier for me to talk instead of having to look at him in the eye). And so I told him the situation and was half expecting him to act cool and cold about it as his impression always gave. He started with ‘Oh’ after telling him of my dad’s condition and asked a few questions about what kind of cancer and how was his condition right now and did not say anything else till I was done with saying I may need some time off. He said that it was alright, he could get JM my lab boss to do my work if I wasn’t around and I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Here comes the heartwarming part. The next thing he said was, ‘I know just how you feel.’ And proceeded to tell me about the elder sis he lost to pancreatic cancer a year back. Our conversation ended after a bit of small talk with him having said a ‘hope he gets well’.
That moment he said, ‘I know just how you feel,’ it is a moment I would never forget. Turns out under his cool exterior, there lived a gentle soul. A gentle soul who managed to let me feel he actually cared. Its because I got to see that side of him (when everyone else said that he is actually heartless and wouldn’t care) that let me to respect him and defend him whenever anyone else said anything about his shortcomings. No matter what anyone says about him, no matter how fierce he may be sometimes, I would still treat him like a boss in the office, and like a brother I never had, out of the office.
It’s 11.30, there’s work tomorrow, and it’s time to sleep. I’ll continue this another day.
感情爱情这个故事该怎么写？到底是要从哪里开始？
对一个人有意思，是不是就代表每分每秒都会把他们放第一？
那如果反过来是有人对我有意思，而我还不清楚自己的心在哪，那又该怎么办？
是该先做朋友，再慢慢找答案。。但有些人却会说，对他没意思就不要给他有希望，不要一直跟他聊天。。那这样怎么会知道会不会有结果？？
可能起步都比较好奇，有刺激感。。一直猜想他到底是否会对我有意思。。
但当我大概知道他的确对我有意思，我却一点感觉也没了。。
尤其是他一直跟我聊天，一直问候，一直约我出去，我就会越来越反感。。
怎么对什么人都是这样？这明明就是我的问题。。
如果会觉得反感，那就代表这段情是不会有结果的，不是吗?
这大概就叫做犯贱吧。。哈哈。。有人要了就耍排子。。
好烦啊，真的不知道该怎么好。。
现在放掉我觉得很可惜，因为都还没给彼此一个机会。。
但如果到最后真的没结果，不是浪费了别人的时间？
该是时候好好想一翻了。。。
How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I’m on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart
I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.
Cuz I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I’m on my knees, Father will you run to me?
One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.
So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can’t sleep but I’ll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.
Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.
it’s good to be back in singapore at last!
but….the weather’s really bleahhh…it’s still spring now, but summer’s coming and it’s heating up soon in aust..where temperatures can hit 40 degrees..so i think i shall not complain. and ytd! i heard on sonshine that it was 35 degrees at midnoon, awesomeness! but today it dropped back to 20 degrees =(…im jealous la!!!!!…oh wells…
3 months of holidays!! 3 mths and a wk..if you want to consider the week after exams..its time to meet up with people! but everyone’s either working or having exams..awwww..im bored im bored im bored……..
but!! its cruise next week..yippee yeah yeah! its the first time we wont be going on Star Cruise, so hopefully Royal Caribbean will be as good, or even better!! it better be better…zzz
it’s weird how back in aust we were talking about missing all the food in singapore, kway chup, cha kuay tiow, carrot cake and whatnots and wanting to eat them all. but when you reach back here, you dont feel like eating anymore. lol its the heat la its the heat =(
okie im bored…going to find something to do le..tada!
have you ever felt very crappy on some days? today’s one of those days…
my mind just kinda jumped to you, and i realised we’ve only contacted each other 2 times this year. i know i should be the one calling you. but something just makes me hold back. what will i say to you? what should i say to you? maybe ill tell you about my exams, but you didnt even ask when they were in the first place. and after that, what will we talk about?
i knew this day would come somehow, just didnt know when. i think ive got my answer now. its kinda inevitable that we would drift apart huh, you lead your life, i lead mine. but have you ever wondered how it would be like if all these stuff didnt happen? even if you dont, i do! i want to wake up to songs blasting from the stereo, i want to eat your prawn-is-prawn, egg-is-egg omelette, i want to argue with you, i want to……..all i can say now is i want to!!!!
i dont want to be angry with you, its been too long for that now. but somtimes i just cant help but feel robbed. robbed of a childhood i wanted to have. because of you, i had to grow up, way before i was meant to, way before i wanted to.
sometimes, i just wish i was too young to understand. maybe that would have been easier.
zzzzzzzzzz
oh gosh..there are some things in this world that i seriously would rather not have known. i just hope i can continue doing everything right, and not let others be disappointed or angry with me.
and…..my cough is still here..i think it’s never leaving zzz..but still….my coughs have always taken a long time to go away, so this might be another of those times.
let me recover!!
that's reality... 